


Sirius is not on drugs.

by Aurora077



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Crack, F/M, Friendship, Funny, Goat, Humor, Humour, Marauders, Moony - Freeform, Padfoot - Freeform, Prongs - Freeform, Romance, Wormtail - Freeform, don't do drugs, jily, somehow turned to jily from a crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-01-31 12:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12681687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurora077/pseuds/Aurora077
Summary: Remus gets a strange phone call. Who ever could it be?  Crack fic that somehow turned to Jily in later chapters. AU. Rated T to be safe.





	1. Unicorneo and Werewolfette

****

Lupin Residence. Tuesday 16th July, 4:00 pm

****

****  


_*bringg... bringg..... bringgg*_

“Remus dear could you get that?” Mrs. Lupin called from the kitchen. 

“Sure mum,” he replied, sticking a clean chocolate wrapper in his book to mark the place. 

“Lupin residence, Remus speaking,” he answered. There was silence. “Hello?” he said. Still more silence. He was slightly peeved that he’d been pulled away from his book for this and was about to hang up when a cough came from the other side. 

“H..hi Remus,” came a voice. He didn’t recognise the owner though the voice was vaguely familiar. 

“Hello. May I ask who is speaking?” he replied. 

“Um. It’s Sirius. Sirius Black. Not sure if you remember me, we met at Lily’s 17th birthday party?” the man replied hesitantly. 

“Ah, right. Sirius. What can I do for you,” Remus replied, wondering if Lily gave some random guy his number. But he knew Lily wasn’t like that, she was a good friend, she would have asked him first. Besides, if she did, why would she give his house phone number rather than his cell? And that was almost a year ago too, why was he calling now? The name Sirius was familiar, but he couldn’t really recall more than that. 

Remus’s mind was working on overdrive but he was brought out of his thoughts by something sounding suspiciously like a pig squeal in the background.

A nervous chuckle came over the receiver as Sirius stammered out, “S..sorry about that, my, uh, my cat is sick.” 

“Your _cat?_ ” Remus said incredulously. 

“Well, technically my brother’s cat. Stupid Kreacher,” he muttered, “Dogs are way better. Like mine.”

Had he just called the cat a stupid creature? Remus frowned, “Now that’s not nice. It can’t help being sick, no need to call it a stupid creature, even if you do like your dog better.”

“Oh, no not creature, but Kreacher. That’s his name. And he really is stupid, I mean, he hates me. Nobody with any sense hates me! I’m wonderful!” Sirius announced. 

“Right,” Remus deadpanned, “Well Mr. Wonderful, you still haven’t informed me of your purpose for calling.” 

Sirius laughed nervously again, “About that...” He trailed off.

Remus sighed, “Yes?”

“What do you think about unicorns?” Sirius said abruptly, his manner changing from nervous to slightly manic sounding. 

“ _Unicorns???_ ” Remus, was utterly confused, “I guess unicorns are okay?” 

“Great! Glad you think so! Now what do you think about werewolves?” Sirius said, his pitch rising slightly.

“Werewolves?? They’re dangerous,” Remus replied, not knowing why he was going along with this weird conversation.

“What? Werewolves are _not_ dangerous! They’re awesome!” ranted Sirius. 

“I mean, I guess they can be both?” replied a puzzled Remus.

“You’re darn right they can!” said Sirius enthusiastically. 

“Now what does this have to do with your purpose for calling?” Remus asked, amused but still waiting on an answer. 

Sirius coughed, “Well you see, there’s this play...”

“A play? You’re putting on a play?” Remus enquired. Remus loved plays. Maybe Lily had sent Sirius to him for advice. He did know a lot about plays though he hadn’t ever written one.

“Ye...I mean NO. I’m uh writing! That’s right, I’m writing a play,” he said, sounding pleased with himself. 

“Well that’s a noble goal. Does it have a name yet?” Remus said, slightly intrigued.

“Um....yes, it’s called.....uh... Unicorneo and Werewolfette!” he proclaimed. 

Before Remus could say anything he heard what sounded like violent wheezing/choking.

“Damn cat! Shoo!” Sirius said, sounding irritated.

“Um, Sirius, are you sure your cat is okay? I mean it’s starting to sound really bad, maybe you should take it to the vet?” Remus said, concerned. 

“No no, it’s just uh, coughing up a hairball,” Sirius said, brushing away his concerns. 

“Uh, okay then,” Remus replied, starting to feel that this conversation was entirely too strange.

“Just ignore the cat and everything shall be fine young grasshopper,” Sirius said sagely.

“Riiiiight. So, about Unicorneo and Werewolfette...” Remus started.

“Yes! As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted by the idiotic cat,” he hissed cat like it was the gravest insult, “My play is going to be amazing.” Remus could practically see him dramatically turning his nose up, even though he hadn’t the faintest idea what Sirius looked like.

“I’m sure it is,” Remus drawled, “Romeo and Juliet, magical beast style, should be interesting.”

Sirius gasped, affronted, “Romeo and Juliette?? You insult me my dear Remus!”

“Is that not what it’s based on?” Remus asked.

“Why certainly not! I would never copy old Will! This is 100% Sirius Black material,” he stated, sniffing in what he presumed was a dignified manner. 

“I see. And what is the play about then?” Remus said, raising an eyebrow in disbelief.

“It’s about...uh...a bank robbery! Yes, a bank robbery that goes wrong when Werewolfette stops to buy a steak with the stolen money two days later,” Sirius said, the manic edge returning to his voice as he started to ramble on, “Unicorneo is the cop that catches her, but ends up falling in love with her when she bites him for trying to take away her steak. They go on an epic adventure cross country with a hamburger loving hippogriff. Finally Dracula, the police chief, catches them and kills Unicorneo for his treason against the Fairy Queen by stabbing him in the neck with his fangs and drinking all his blood, leaving Werewolfette so depressed she buys poison from a rat called Wormtail and eats it and dies in the arms of the dead Unicorneo.” Sirius, who had said all of this in one breath, was now breathing heavily.

Remus was speechless. His jaw had dropped steadily lower during Sirius’s impassioned rant about his play. 

“Remus? You still there?” Sirius asked after a few moments of silence.

Remus let out a strangled ‘yes’. He didn’t know how to respond to that. It was certainly...something. In the end he collected himself and just ended up saying, “I hate to break it to you buddy but, that sounds pretty much like an interpretation of Romeo and Juliette.”

“No it can’t be!” Sirius gasped dramatically, “Tell me how!”

“Uh two people on opposite sides of the law who should be enemies end up falling in love and then dying in each other’s arms. Not exactly Romeo and Juliette but the inspiration can be seen if you squint,” he said, “Plus....the name is a dead giveaway really.” 

“Nooooooooooo!” Sirius groaned, “My life’s work! Ruined! I shall write nevermore! Goodbye Unicorneo! Goodbye Werewolfette! You shall be banished to the veil of no return!” 

Sirius, Remus thought, would make a good actor. 

“Now is that really necessary?” Remus said, trying to calm down his dramatic conversation partner, “It sounds....interesting. You could still publish it as a reinterpretation.” Who was he to judge if the dude had an active imagination?

“I shall not! It’s a disgrace! It’s only fit for the bin now my Loopy friend,” Sirius wailed. 

“Loopy?” Remus said, befuddled. 

“Yes, Loony Loopy Lupin. It has a nice ring to it doesn’t it?” Sirius said, with surprising cheer for someone who’d just been wailing about his life’s work being destroyed. 

“Um, we shall have to agree to disagree,” Remus remarked lightly. 

“Fine. But I’m telling you, it’s genius!” he could imagine Sirius’s grin.

“Whatever floats your boat,” Remus sighed. 

“I think you mean, whatever floats my goat,” Sirius said jovially.

“Your _goat?_ ” he said, wondering if he’d heard wrong. Remus felt that his eyebrows would be permanently stuck in his hairline by the time this conversation was over.

“Yes, my goat,” Sirius said, “His name is Prongs.” Sirius grunted suddenly. 

“Are you okay? What happened?” Remus asked, worried, but also wondering how many pets Sirius owned. 

“I’m fine,” Sirius sounded winded, “I just stubbed my toe.” 

“Right...your toe...” Remus said, starting to suspect something was off about Sirius. 

“Yes, my toe. So, Remus old buddy old pal, how’s it going?” Sirius said, deflecting any more talk about his toe.

“How is what going?” Remus said. 

“You. How are you?” Sirius asked. 

“I’m...starting to question my sanity,” he mumbled. 

“Oh no but you _mustn’t_! You’re just sane as I am! Sanity is like the moon. It’s always up there in the sky reflecting sunlight for us mere mortals to have light in the darkness of the night. And like the moon, sanity guides us through the confusing darkness of our minds,” Sirius said, stroking his non-existent beard contemplatively. Then suddenly, snapping his fingers, he expounded, “I know! We can call you Moony. It fits you so well. You’re the moon of my life! Sane to my in! Water to my goat!” 

“I take it back,” Remus said quickly, “I’m starting to question _your_ sanity.”

On her way out of the kitchen, Mrs. Lupin spotted Remus still on the phone. “Oh hey honey didn’t realise you’d still be on the phone, must be that girlfriend of yours, Lily was it?” she said, moving to the dining room before he could reply.

Remus rolled his eyes and called after her “No mum, it’s not Lily.” He didn’t bother explaining to her for the millionth time that he and Lily were just friends, she’d think what she liked anyway. To be fair to her he did exclusively hang out with Lily. She wasn’t just his good friend, she was his only friend. Well, that didn’t sound pathetic _at all_.

Remus heard a loud yelp over the phone, which drew his mind back to the conversation. 

“Oh sorry, ignore that. That’s my dog Snuffles. He doesn’t get along very well with Kreacher,” Sirius said sheepishly.

“Well such is the way with cats and dogs,” said Remus, though he didn’t really know since he’d never had any pets.

“Indeed it is, though Snuffles is right not to like that disease ridden cat,” Sirius grumbled.

Remus stifled a laugh at Sirius’s irritation, glancing at the clock as he did so. It was 5 pm already. Where had the time gone? He had never spent so long on the phone before. 

“Anyway,” he said, turning his attention back to the phone, “I think you should go break up your pets before they kill one another. That yelp sounded painful. Besides, I have to go now, it’s time for dinner.” He had thoroughly wasted the past hour on a random, if amusing, conversation with Sirius, whose original purpose for calling he still wasn’t quite clear on. 

“What, _already???_ ” Sirius replied, aghast. He was actually enjoying the conversation, having forgotten why he originally called Remus in the first place.

He thought about it and asked hesitantly, “Well...can I call back tomorrow then?”

“Sure I guess. Same time then,” Remus said, shrugging to himself. Not like he had much else to do.

“Yes! Okay tomorrow then,” said Sirius. And Remus shook his head, wondering what he’d gotten himself into. There was only one thing left to say though, before he hung up. He smirked slightly.

“Oh and Sirius?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Lay off the drugs.”

**Potter Residence. Tuesday 16th July, 5:00 pm**

There was an almost deafening silence. Then it was broken by twin bursts of laughter.

Sirius just stared dumbfounded at the phone while James and Peter rolled around on the living room floor.

“ _AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_ we should make Lupin a marauder for that. Pads you should see the look on your face,” James said, wiping away a tear of mirth.

Sirius threw a pillow that hit James squarely in the face, skewing his glasses. 

“Hey!” James cried. 

“What? You were being a git. And they are called _throw_ pillows after all, Mrs. P. said so herself,” Sirius huffed. 

“Now James, don’t be mean to Sirius can’t you see he needs some support,” Peter said, holding back a grin.

“Yeah, see James. That’s what real friends do. They support you!” Sirius said. 

“Exactly. Now Sirius, would you like some Aloe Vera?” Peter asked, the picture of concern.

“Aloe Vera? Why would I need Aloe Vera?” Sirius asked confused.

Peter couldn’t control his grin this time, “Because you just got burned.” 

(A/N by Remus not James XD)


	2. Lily's Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus goes to Lily's party and meets the infamous James Potter

**Lily’s 19th Birthday Party**  


“Remus!” Lily called, “Glad you could make it.”  


“Of course Lil, you know I wouldn’t miss it,” he chuckled.  


She smiled, “Yes yes, I know you give up your hatred of parties for me for one day of the year.”  


“Well, your parties are relatively less annoying than most,” he grinned at her. Not that he would really know given that she was his only friend, but he digressed. He was sure his judgement was still spot on.  


“Yes well, I try,” she said modestly. Something behind him caught her attention. “Hey come on I want you to meet someone,” she said, resting her hand on his arm and pulling him forward gently.  
She steered him to a boy with hazel eyes and messy black hair, who was adjusting his glasses and laughing loudly at something.  


“James,” Lily called. He turned to face them, a bright grin on his face when he spotted Lily. “I want you to meet someone,” she continued, “James, this is my good friend Remus. Remus, this is James, my boyfriend.”  


Remus raised a surprised eyebrow, recalling all the times Lily had complained about a boy called James who went to the same boarding school as her. “As in James _Potter_? THE Potter?” he asked.  


Lily blushed fiercely.  


“Talked about me a lot, have you Lils?” James said, his grin turning smug.  


She scowled at him, “Only bad things you tosser.”  


“Ouch. You wound me my precious Lily-flower,” he said dramatically, holding his hand to his heart.  


Remus laughed.  


“So...how did this happen? No offense James but I’d never really gotten the impression that Lily was very fond of you,” Remus queried, “Rather, I thought she hated your guts in fact.”  


“Well, funny story actually,” James said, rubbing the back of his head and suddenly looking bashful, “It’s all thanks to you really.”  


“ _Me?!_ ” Remus gaped incredulously. As much as he’d heard Lily grouse about Potter, he’d never had anything to add but well timed nods and sympathetic looks.  


“Forgive me, but I find that rather hard to believe,” Remus said, a bemused frown making its home on his face, “How could I, a person who has had literally zero interactions with you before this day, be responsible for your relationship with the girl who, as far as I knew, despised your very existence?”  


“Well yeah it’s true you haven’t interacted with _me_. But you _have_ spoken to my best mate Sirius,” James said, matter-of-factly.  


His eyes widened, “ _You’re_ the best mate Sirius kept prattling on about?”  


“Yes, that would be me,” James said, his grin returning.  


Remus had had no idea. “But, what does this have to do with you and Lily getting together?” he asked, still confused, “Sirius and I had a couple of conversations yeah but none of them revolved around you and Lily.”  


“Well it went a bit like this,” said James, trying to explain.  


_*Flashback*  
_

_  
_

_**Lily’s 17th Birthday Party** _  


“Ow!” James cried, as Sirius elbowed him in the face, “Watch it will ya Pads? Can’t damage the money-maker.”  


“Sorry Prongs, but these bushes are small and do you _want_ to get caught sneaking into Lily’s party?” Sirius huffed.  


James quietly conceded the point.  


The love of his life was having a party and he wasn’t invited! Oh the injustice! He just had to go see her for himself on her special day, even if he had to do it from afar. He wasn’t supposed to go inside but as he got there he decided that he wanted to place her present all romantic-like on her bed and so here they were skulking around the back garden, hiding in the bushes and waiting for an opportune moment to sneak in.  


“The things I do in the name of friendship,” Sirius grumbled.  


They had to wait half an hour crouched in those bushes before an opportunity presented itself with the confusion and excitement of the caterers arriving with the cake.  


They snuck in the back door and James left Sirius as lookout while he headed upstairs to find Lily’s room.  


Unfortunately, Lily had forgotten her cell there, and being a good hostess she had asked Remus to retrieve it from her room so she could remain with the guests.  


Sirius, upon spotting someone who would catch James in the act, pretended like he was ill and stumbled about in a faux faint.  


“You okay mate?” Remus had asked, and in a fit of inspiration, Sirius mumbled incoherently and looked as miserable as he could.  


“Fresh air....come with...feel faint,” he groaned. And Remus being Remus escorted him out front and even lent him his phone to call his mother.  


The phone rang a couple times before being answered by a distinctly male voice.  


“Mum!” Sirius said, then had a pretend coughing fit, “I need you to come get me at the station. I don’t feel so well. Will have to leave Lily’s party early I’m afraid.”  


“Oh crap, thanks for the heads up mate,” James said on the other end of the line, understanding the point of the call and making his way out the way they came.  


“Thanks man,” Sirius said, “I feel well enough to make it to the tube, I’ll catch you later yeah?”  


“Sure,” replied a confused Remus, “I hope you feel better, uh, I didn’t catch your name.”  


“Black. Sirius Black,” came the cheeky reply, “And you are?”  


“Remus Lupin,” he said amusedly.  


“Well Remus Lupin, I must bid you adieu,” and with a dramatic flourish, he headed down the road towards the point where he and James had previously decided to meet if they got separated.  


_*End Flashback*_  


“You’re just lucky you didn’t accidentally go into Petunia’s room that day or you’d never have left alive,” Lily joked.  


The thought caused a momentary sadness to descend upon her. Petunia had never forgiven Lily for being accepted to Hogwarts Academy while she wasn’t. She’d never attended any of Lily’s birthday parties since, preferring to stay in her room. This year at least, she was married and off with her new husband touring Europe. Not that she’d told Lily this of course; she found out from her mother.  


“Yes well Petunia aside, I did find it strange that he recovered so quickly,” Remus said, trying to lighten the mood, “He’d be good in theatre. Quite dramatic that one.”  


“Right you are Remus, right you are,” James grinned.  


“But forgive me if I still don’t see how this lead to your current relationship. That was two years ago and back then she still disliked you quite a lot,” Remus remarked.  


“Ah yes well that was how Sirius met you initially Remus. The next year, we tried to do it again,” he said.  


_*Flashback*  
_

_  
_

_**Lily’s 18th Birthday Party** _  


“Are you sure you want to do this? She didn’t seem to appreciate your Lily plushie from last year,” Sirius said, once again in the bushes.  


“That’s just because no plushie could ever compare to the real thing,” James said, looking in through the window. They were in a new patch of bushes this time, as Lily’s mother had decided to spruce up the garden and had added some lovely flower bushes under the window. It allowed them a nice view of the party inside, and as long as nobody looked directly at them they would be good.  


This time nobody stopped them and James managed to somehow get in and back in record time. But Petunia had returned from a date with Vernon before they could leave the property and so they were hiding in the bushes once again until Petunia and Vernon could pry themselves away from each other.  


“So gross,” Sirius whispered, looking away. And by that he meant Vernon’s bright orange pinstriped suit with his big green necktie. He shuddered at the abomination that was Vernon’s idea of fashion. “Some people have no taste,” he muttered.  


But James couldn’t hear him. For through the window his Lily was hugging this bloke tightly, and leading him by the hand to the centre of the party. She had kissed his cheek as he arrived and smiled so brightly at him that if the sun were out it would have seemed but a candle in comparison. It seemed she had been waiting for him before commencing with the cutting of the cake, which they did together by the way, he noticed. Then the guy fed her a morsel as the rest of guests finished singing happy birthday to her.  


James made a weak, strangled sound.  


“You okay mate?” Sirius said, noticing his friend’s unnatural behaviour.  


James just pointed to the window in despair.  


“Oh...” Sirius said, on seeing what was unfolding inside.  


They were both silent after that.  


“I think it’s best we leave now yeah?” he said, after a few moments when Petunia and her oompa loompa of a fiance had finally gone their separate ways.  


James just nodded, and they went back to his house without speaking of the incident.  


_*End Flashback*_  


“Wait a second,” Remus said, catching on a bit, “You’re talking about me?! What did you think? That I was her boyfriend?”  


“Yeah,” James said, “You can see how one could misinterpret that can’t you?”  


Remus could.  


“Lily and I are just friends, best friends in fact,” Remus started.  


“You don’t need to explain,” James interrupted, before Remus could go any further, “We already talked about everything, so I know better now. But back then I just thought that I was too late and that I had lost her.”  


“Remus, if I had known all it would take to get Potter to grow up would be to have him think you were my boyfriend I would have done it ages ago!” Lily said, laughing.  


James pouted, “That’s not fair!”  


“It is too!” she said, “It was the first time I’d seen him so subdued. Doing his work on time; not fooling around as much; taking his role as head boy seriously. I was impressed that he had matured so much. And he wasn’t being an arrogant berk anymore either. He had actually started to seem more responsible too. And he talked to me normally without all the insane declarations of love. It was refreshing. I liked what I saw.”  


“Not that she let me know it of course,” James said grumpily.


	3. Remily and Lames

**Chapter 3**

Remus laughed, “Okay, so let me get this straight, you thought Lily had a boyfriend and you were upset. This led you to become more serious about everything, which ironically is what got Lily interested in you?”

“Yeah, except I didn’t even know she was interested! She was definitely friendlier but I just thought she was being nicer because I stood no chance,” he said.

“Do you know how many hints I was throwing him? I thought he really had no interest anymore given that he ignored them all. And all this time he’s there thinking I’m with you,” Lily continued.

“In other words, you were starring in a real life Rom-com?” Remus said, picturing the two of them and trying hard not to laugh. 

“Who’s in a Rom-com?” someone said, slinging an arm over his shoulder and making him jump.

“Pads! We were just telling Remus here about how we’re together thanks to him,” said James.

“Nice to see you, Sirius. Not gonna faint this time are you?” Remus teased.

Sirius pouted, “I thought you told him James. I was _acting_ triple L! I was rather good too if I do say so myself.”

“Triple L?” Remus remarked, confused.

“Yeah, Loony Loopy Lupin! Triple L,” Sirius said, proud of his stroke of genius.

“That reminds me of the first time you called my house, Sirius,” he said, pursing his lips at the memory. It was the weirdest conversation he had ever had. For some reason though, he kept on answering every time Sirius decided to call after that. Eventually he just gave him his cell number because his mother accused him of cheating on Lily with his phone pal. His poor mother was in denial. She truly wanted Lily as a daughter-in-law. She was already imagining grandbabies. (“To be fair, we would have adorable babies,” Lily told Remus, while James looked wounded by the comment.) It was the last straw the day she answered the landline and told Sirius he was sinking her ship. Never mind that that particular ship had never left the docks to begin with.

He relayed the tale to them (for some reason, Sirius had turned red, but he filed this info in the back of his mind for the moment) and then asked curiously, “Speaking of which, how did you get my home number to begin with? I don’t believe that Lily gave it to you, considering you only knew of me because you spied on her.”

“Actually, I would like to know the answer to that too,” Lily said mildly, “I didn’t even know you were in contact with each other until the other day when I met his mother who told me all about it while looking as if you destroyed all her hopes and dreams.”

“Hehe, funny story that, we um...sorta got Wormy to snoop in your phone. But somehow he ended up getting the landline number instead of the cell. Leave it to Wormy to mess up a simple task like that,” Sirius said, shaking his head, “I remembered your name Remus, from the first time we snuck into Lily’s house.”

“What?!” Lily said, “Why you..!” She looked like she would sorely like nothing better than to slap the silly out of them. Never mess with Lily’s phone. They really should have known that.

“Don’t blame James! It was my idea. He was so depressed after seeing you together that day that I wanted to do something to cheer him up,” Sirius said.

“And calling me would do that how exactly?” Remus said, eyebrow raised.

_*Flashback*_

**_Potter Residence Tuesday 16 th July (after Lily’s 18th birthday)_ **

“C’mon now James don’t be that way,” Peter said to his mopey friend, “Look I brought you sticky toffee pudding! You love my mother’s pudding. Eat a piece, it will make you feel better.”

And James did eat. He ate the whole thing in fact. And moped the entire time.

“Prongs! You could have saved me a piece,” Sirius said, as he arrived slightly too late and noticed all the pudding was gone.

“I needed it more than you did Pads,” James said, sulking, “I have to eat my feelings now don’t you know. Can’t express them to Lily anymore.”

“Maybe you could write about it James,” said Peter, “I find writing down my feelings to be very cathartic.”

“Big word Wormy, cathartic,” Sirius said, teasingly. Peter just stuck his tongue out at him.

James got incensed, “It’s not funny! You guys will never understand; you’ve never been in love. Writing won’t bring back the love of my life! Nothing will make this better!”

 “Whoa where did that come from mate?” Sirius said, taken aback by James’s sudden ferocity.

James simmered down slightly, “Sorry. I’m..sorry. I just...I hope she’s happy and that he’s treating her right. I’d feel better knowing that even if it’s not me, at least she’s happy with whoever he is. She deserves the world.” He sat there looking dejected.

“Well, maybe we could help you with that,” Sirius said thoughtfully.

“How?” James said, “I’m definitely not going to spy on them if that’s what you’re suggesting. I’d like to know she’s happy but that doesn’t mean I _want_ to see her with another guy.”

“No no, you don’t need to do a thing.....see...Wormy and I thought it might cheer you up to prank call Lily’s new flame,” Sirius said, excited with his own plan.

“What? No! What if he tells Lily! Then she’ll hate me even more,” James said pitifully.

“Ok ok fine, we’ll just call and see what kind of bloke he is then. That should at least satisfy you without you having to see them together,” Sirius said.

James hesitated, “...that...doesn’t sound like a bad plan Pads. But we don’t have his number.”

“Oh yes we do,” Sirius said, grinning and pulling a slip of paper out of Peter’s backpack, “I got Wormy to snoop through her phone for the number. Of course we didn’t have much time so he couldn’t snoop too much.”

James looked equal parts miffed, that they violated his love’s privacy, and impressed, that they even got that far as to procure a number. (Nobody mess with Lily’s phone, she _will_ kill you.)

“Well....let’s do it then. But you’re doing all the talking Pads!” James said, and Sirius agreed, dialling the number and putting it on speaker.

Now like every great idea Sirius had...he didn’t think it through. So when Remus answered the phone Sirius had no idea what to say, because he didn’t quite get that far in his planning.

“Lupin residence, Remus speaking,” came a gentle voice. Sirius was dumbstruck. He had quite forgotten what the other man sounded like, especially since he was more focused on escaping Lily’s house unscathed, rather than paying attention to the stranger who had helped him.

He gulped. “Hello?” came the voice, sounding irritated now after hearing no answer for a while.

“H..hi Remus,” Sirius said, his voice going slightly high pitched.

James shot Peter a look. “ _What’s going on with Sirius?”_ Peter mouthed, as his normally boisterous, overconfident friend looked like a deer in the headlights.

“ _No idea,”_ James whispered.

Sirius proceeded to have the longest conversation he ever had on the phone. He rambled and said such nonsense that James and Peter couldn’t help but laugh. Consequently they got their toes trod on, elbowed in the stomach, and insulted terribly by Sirius to his phone companion.

“Kreacher my foot! I would never be such a mangy cat! I would be sleek and majestic!” James grumbled to Peter. He was even more offended when Sirius called him a goat.

James’s amusement faded however when he heard the boy’s mother ask him if he was speaking to his girlfriend Lily. He made a distressed sound which Sirius once again covered up by blaming a defenceless animal. The conversation was soon over as Remus went to dinner, but not before he had delivered one sick burn.

“ _Ahahahahahahahaha_ , _lay off the drugs_ ,” James laughed, wiping a tear from his eye as mirth returned with the unexpected comment. He and Peter had a good time taking the mickey out of Sirius for that one. Peter even managed to one up himself with an Aloe-Vera comment that had Sirius sticking his fingers in his ears and resolving to ignore them both for the rest of the day. His resolve wavered within half an hour as his stomach grumbled and they all headed to dinner.

“So Pads...an hour on the phone eh?” Peter remarked in a slightly suggestive tone, now full but still feeling jolly from Remus’s parting comment.

“What? No...psh it wasn’t an hour!” Sirius said, sniffing haughtily, “I mean, if you two weren’t laughing so much maybe I could concentrate.”

James picked himself out of his funk, as Sirius tried to deflect.

“It was too an hour Pads,” he smirked, “And don’t blame us. You sounded drunk, rambling on like that. Wasn’t this entire exercise supposed to be about finding out his character? Some friend you are. You just chatted the entire time, forgetting about your poor friend’s broken heart.”

“W..well it’s not like you helped!” he defended, “With you two sniggering like that all the time I kept having to come up with excuses! It’s your fault I had to talk so much.”

“Riiiiiiiight,” said Peter, in an uncharacteristic display of sarcasm. He and James shared a look and burst out laughing again. For once the camaraderie was strong between them.

James sobered up soon after though and remarked, “Well Pads you weren’t completely useless.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Sirius pouted.

“Well at least we know he has a lot of patience, considering he dealt with you for an hour without exploding. And he has a sense of humour too. Lily might really be happy with him,” James said forlornly, but less so than before.

 “Yeah he does seem pretty great doesn’t he?” Sirius said, clearing his throat and coughing when spotting the side-eyed glance Peter threw him, then continuing on, “And he made you laugh Prongs! You haven’t laughed so hard since her party, so that’s a win in my book.” He set out to cheer up his best mate, and he did, if only for a short time.

And if Sirius ended up getting something out of it too, well that was just a bonus.

_*End Flashback*_

“So that’s how you two started talking then,” said Lily, “I never even knew. All I knew was that James had suddenly matured and Sirius was walking around all the time in a daze. James never even told me that Sirius spoke to you, (“If we told her, we’d have to say how we got your number, and we really didn’t want to die!” Sirius shuddered) he just came up to me one day and told me he was happy for me and that my boyfriend seemed like a great guy. Imagine how confused I was!”

“So is that when he confessed to party crashing then?” Remus said, amused.

“Yup. She was confused and I was confused as to why she was confused. It was just one big ball of confusion. So naturally I had to confess to my less than stellar actions,” James said, sighing dramatically. He could see why James and Sirius were such good friends.

“Speaking of which, whatever happened to your friend Peter? He’s the only one I haven’t met or spoken to now,” Remus said.

“Oh, Pete’s come down with the flu. He’s terribly sorry to miss the party,” James said, and smiled wickedly at Sirius, “He’s _especially_ sorry that he’s not here to witness this...I mean, meet you, Remus.”

“Oh well tell him I’m sorry he missed it. It would have been nice to meet him as well,” Remus said, feeling like he was missing something.

“Well, your birthday is coming up, maybe if you let me throw you a party this time you’ll get to meet him,” Lily said, smiling innocently.

“Oh yes definitely. We _must_ throw a party for our new friend,” James said gleefully, rubbing his hands together, while Sirius nodded in agreement.

Remus groaned, “Not you too. Lily’s been trying to get me to agree to a party for a long time. No doubt my mother will be ecstatic, especially when she hears it’s Lily’s idea. You know I hate crowds.”

“Hey, the marauders are a party by ourselves! We don’t need people!” James said passionately.

“Fine, fine,” Remus relented, “But you’re going to be responsible for telling my mother why Lily and I won’t be having babies together.”

“That is no trouble at all. I’ll just have to tell her that Remily is out and Jily is in,” James stated austerely.

“We all know they’re really Lames,” Sirius whispered conspiratorially to Remus, who couldn’t help laughing, much to James’ consternation. (He just knew he had been insulted, but he couldn’t prove it.)

All in all, what had started out as one really weird phone call had led to an expanding circle of friends that he had never expected. As Sirius and James scuffled with one another and Lily tried to break them up with the promise of cake, Remus reflected on how different his life was becoming. His world would never be the same again, but in a good way. And he was just fine with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow, from a crack fic, this turned into Jily? Well anyway, hope you guys enjoyed. It really is quite weird but meh I enjoyed writing the nonsense nonetheless XD

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews/Kudos give Sirius motivation to stay away from drugs.
> 
> Sirius: “Hey, I am not on drugs!”  
> Remus: “Suuuure you aren’t Padfoot.”
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter; that right goes to the lovely J.K. Rowling.


End file.
